I'm becoming convinced that Facebook is out to be the death of me. Someone really needs to get on the ad department about using some better sense with a profile that clearly belongs to a grieving parent. Like the constant ad for a personalized children's book where they use the name "Lucy" to try and get me to click. Cruel. Or the suggestions for articles that just feel like a spear to the side. It seems to be a common theme, or maybe I am just more acutely aware of it- miracles, guardian angels, faith, blah blah blah. A man crushed between two cars- his guardian angel was with him.... teenage girl in a crash, no chance of survival but they prayed. Oh, they prayed. And God sent a miracle! I get that these things literally have nothing to do with Goose's case, but to parents who prayed and had people praying around the world, constantly, it feels like a direct jab at my faith. I must not have been pure enough of soul for mine to matter. I don't read my Bible daily, or evangelize to every person walking by, so I haven't logged enough points to earn a miracle. Her guardian angel must have been out partying, dropping the ball, something because my god did they fail. And it makes me mad at God. It makes me wonder why I've spent my life believing that if I just have faith and trust Him, He will always provide. Because taking my baby girl from me. That doesn't feel like providing. That feels like having the door slammed in my face. And it's left me wondering why even bother. I can only hope that Goose is truly resting in a place as beautiful as Heaven has always been described. But right now, I'm not ready to believe that there was a greater divine purpose here.
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| Because no post is complete without this angelic face. |
Hey Kim, I know that there is nothing I can say that will change or lessen the grief that you feel, and I don't pretend to understand what you're going through. That said, what you've expressed here does remind me of the many, many years I spent in church growing up and hearing about a God who heals. I learned that he healed the blind man and the woman with the issue of blood and the man with the withered hand and the child with the fever... The list goes on. I knew and believed that I serve a God who heals people. So I prayed and begged and demanded and did everything I could to convince God that I was worthy of this blessing that he had bestowed on so many others. I had faith. I gave money to the church. I attended every service I could get to. Famous healing pastors came to our church and prayed over me. I did everything I could think to do, and nothing but silence from above. I knew that God didn't make me this way, and human beings were not meant to live the way I do. I knew that this body is not a good example of the plan God had in mind for humanity. So I couldn't understand why he wouldn't waive his magical healing wand and just change me. I still don't really understand, but what I do know is that all the anger that I felt his lack of response, all the denial and bargaining and begging and rage that I threw at him when he refused to answer didn't faze him. I know that God created emotions and that there is no emotion I can feel that will knock him off balance or keep him away. So whatever you need to feel, just feel it. You and I both know that it was not God's plan for Lucy to leave us so soon. Our world is broken and crappy things happen; it's just the way it is. But he doesn't abandon us when our world falls apart, and that's what makes him so good. It may sound trite, but he also watched his child die, so you know he's not going to abandon you in the middle of this, no matter what you may need to say or think or feel. He will be there on the other side of it, and even in the middle of it.
ReplyDeleteAgain, I know that nothing I can say will change what you feel, but I hope that you will know that these things you feel are okay, and it's okay to question. He is big enough to handle the questions.
Thinking of and praying for you often.
I am praying for you.
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