Five weeks and one day ago the trajectory we were on, I would have been filled with gratitude and singing my praises loud and clear. We were going to have a non-immunocompromised Thanksgiving, that was the "plan". Christmas- ha!- but we would have Thanksgiving at least! Five weeks ago from this moment? I can't. Am I any less grateful for those moments now? No. Well, maybe. I don't know to be honest. Do I not appreciate my family, my children, my "health"? Of course not. But I can't bring myself to post ridiculous and sappy, meaningless posts because honestly I don't feel grateful. I'm not filled with thanksgiving for all that I have. I'm filled with anger over what I don't have. What was taken from me. What was done to her.
I made it through today. I woke up, I hosted, I managed to shut my brain off. And I am so conflicted on my ability to do that. It doesn't feel right. It feels irreverent. But now, completely alone, I feel the door creeping open and it's just me and our memories.
I made it another day, Goosey. I'm doing ok. I think. I hope. I'm so sorry, princess. Momma loves you so much. Sweet dreams, baby girl.
I made it through today. I woke up, I hosted, I managed to shut my brain off. And I am so conflicted on my ability to do that. It doesn't feel right. It feels irreverent. But now, completely alone, I feel the door creeping open and it's just me and our memories.
I made it another day, Goosey. I'm doing ok. I think. I hope. I'm so sorry, princess. Momma loves you so much. Sweet dreams, baby girl.
You have every right, Kim, to feel all these things, and then some. I'm glad you have a place to put it all down & I only hope some day it all somehow becomes a little bit easier to find glimmers of joy in the world around you, past the hurt that understandably clouds everything now. Until then, if then, you're entitled to all the feelings no matter what day it happens to fall on!
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