thanks-withheld 2014

Five weeks and one day ago the trajectory we were on, I would have been filled with gratitude and singing my praises loud and clear. We were going to have a non-immunocompromised Thanksgiving, that was the "plan". Christmas- ha!- but we would have Thanksgiving at least!  Five weeks ago from this moment? I can't. Am I any less grateful for those moments now? No. Well, maybe. I don't know to be honest. Do I not appreciate my family, my children, my "health"? Of course not. But I can't bring myself to post ridiculous and sappy, meaningless posts because honestly I don't feel grateful. I'm not filled with thanksgiving for all that I have. I'm filled with anger over what I don't have. What was taken from me. What was done to her.
I made it through today. I woke up, I hosted, I managed to shut my brain off.  And I am so conflicted on my ability to do that. It doesn't feel right. It feels irreverent. But now, completely alone, I feel the door creeping open and it's just me and our memories.
I made it another day, Goosey. I'm doing ok. I think. I hope. I'm so sorry,  princess. Momma loves you so much. Sweet dreams, baby girl.

One month

One month. 

For one month I have been the mother of a child no longer here on Earth.

For one month my soul has wanted nothing to do with this world while my physical body has been forced to keep going every day for the four children I have living. 

For one month I have questioned the idea of faith. Questioned the idea of God. Who does this to an innocent child? Who forces a child to fight for months and then steals her in the night?

For one month I have had to pull myself out of the daily whirlpool of what-ifs. Reminding myself that there is literally nothing I can do to save my baby now.

For one month I have been tortured by headlines of other lost children and how their last days were filled with "one mores" because my baby didn't have that. We didn't get that.

For one month I have been so grateful for Goose's love of the camera and my love of documenting her. While she is no longer here with me, I fill the void with playback of all the moments I had with her. Most good, some painful, and every one of them tear-inducing.

For one month. 30 days. 714 hours. My child has been gone.

The last photo I have of Goose before she was intubated.

A {tasty} fundraising event

Some dear friends of ours are hosting a fundraising event at the kiddos' school. They are beyond excited that there is something at THEIR school for their little sister. Please join us if you are able. 

Monday, November 17, 2014 from 5:30-8:30 PM
American Leadership Academy- Mesa Campus
4507 S. Mountain Road
Mesa, AZ 85212

Happy birthday, Goose!

Today would have been Goose's third birthday. Ironically, I woke up at the exact moment of her birth, 6:35. We celebrated with close friends and family this evening and began a (hopeful) tradition of sending off lanterns. {By the way, so NOT how it is portrayed in Tangled!}

My mind has been over-producing on ways in the coming years that we would like to celebrate Goose's birthday while paying it forward to the other oncology patients at Phoenix Children's. Thankfully, I have a year to rein the ideas in and come up with a plan.

I also plan to use this space to just write down my thoughts as I navigate this new path our lives have taken. For now I will close with a couple of photos taken by Flashes of Hope in August.

Such a little stinker!