Half a year

Here we are.
182 days.
26 weeks.
6 months.
Half a year.
Already more than a 1/6th of the time that she even called this world home she has been gone.
Gone.
Just a memory playing as I walk through our home.
Remembering her spots.
Her goofy antics.
Her favorite books.
I'm adjusting.
Going longer but crashing harder.
Searching for the purpose.
Replaying every minute.
Second guessing my every action.
Wondering what moment sealed her fate.
Worrying that I will never know where I failed her.
Just willing there to be a reason for me to be counting up the days, weeks, months, years that my child, my baby, has been gone.

I love you, Sunshine.

There isn't a single day that goes by that I don't wish I could change all of this.

That you could be here with me.

Home where you belong.

Be with me, Goosey.

I need you.

Please do.

Do I, don't I?
Should I, shouldn't I?
Please do.

If you see me out and about, and you aren't sure whether or not to say anything.
To mention Goose.
To make eye contact.
Please do.

I may freeze.
Actually, I can pretty much guarantee it.
I may smile.
Nod.
Give the automatic, "I'm doing okay."
It may just be a simple, "Thank you."
I might cry.
But on the inside, you are restoring my soul.
You are relieving my greatest fear.
You are pulling me back from the emotional cliff I find myself teetering on daily.

Please.
Say something.
A smile.
A knowing glance.
Anything.
Reassure me that you still remember my feisty little Goose.
Because wading through each day as she seemingly fades from people's memories, it's torture.
And every day I trudge on, resenting the world for just moving on.
Wanting to scream to everyone all the injustice that has been dealt to me.
The torment of continuing on without my baby here with me.
Seeing all the little children that she should be playing with.
Watching them do all the things that she should be doing.
Devastated that she was denied all of this.
Hoping that today is the day someone pulls me back.

So please.
Be the one.
Remind me.
Save me.

I miss you, Goosey.
Every single day.
Every minute.
With every breath I take.

Scales tipped

158 days. That was all the more time Goose was given on this earth once she was diagnosed.
Today it has been 159 days since she was stolen from me.
The scales have now tipped.
She has been gone longer than she was even given to fight all the shit that was thrown at her.
And I continue to sit here and ask why.
Why her?
Why us?
Why now?
Why couldn't he have waited until she was older if he was going to do this?
Give us more time to know and love Lucy.
Not even three years isn't fair.
It never would have been fair really.
But maybe more fair?
There were so many things that she never got to experience.
So many things she should have done and seen still.

She never got to attend preschool.

Attend a sleepover.

Have a school photo taken.

Had a crush.

Fallen in love.

Married.

Had a child.

Grown old.

No.

She only got 1085 days on this earth.

158 of those fighting cancer, fungus, bacteria, viruses, and all the poison required to cure those.

And now she has been gone for 159.

I love you, my Goosey goo.
You will forever be my baby girl.