The bad days

In the past 5 months I have to come to realize I have 2 types of days.
The ok and the bad.
The ok make up the majority of my days. I wake up, work out, come home, make it through my day doing what needs to be done. Think of my baby girl, take maybe one or two quiet moments. But overall, I am ok.
Then there are the bad. I start my day off aching. My chest feels concave for most of the day. A physical  pain accompaying the harsh emotional pain, I suppose. Everything sets me off. I'm short-tempered, because dealing with everyone else and their petty problems when I should be helping my baby fight cancer just pisses me off. Everything reminds me of my Goose. And it's not happy. It's more gut-wrenching. I get so angry that she isn't here. I resent my other children because they are. I spend all day waiting for the moment I can just go to bed and wake up in a different reality.
Today was bad.
I can only hope that tomorrow will be better.
I settle for ok.
Ok is good.
Good feels wrong.
But bad.
Bad just makes the pain feel raw. New again.
I hate the bad.
But not nearly as much as I hate the fact that my days are empty without her.
Never great again.
Never able to reach their full potential.
It's just wake up, breathe, go to sleep. Repeat.
And pray it's not a bad day.

I wish you could hold me on these days, Sunshine.
I need you here.

Resolving to be content

20 weeks.
139 times now that I have had to wake up to the reality that one of my children is gone from this earth.
It has been 20 weeks since we waited, begging God to spare our baby girl. Willing our surgeon to perform a miracle. To save her.
I am struggling to believe that we have nearly reached the point where my baby has been gone longer than she was given to fight.
Since Goose's autopsy I've had to accept that there was no saving her. There was no chance that all the prayers and all faith in the world were going to change her fate.
So here I am seeking contentment.
Not in the loss of my baby, because that, it won't ever happen. I will never be able to turn to God and tell him I am okay with this.
To those who have walked this path and can- great. But I struggle to believe that those  proclamations really match the heart.
And I'm not willing to fake that.
But my life, it's continuing on.
And I have to be okay with that.
I have to learn that being with my family, my friends, having fun it has to happen and it's okay to smile. To laugh. To enjoy myself. I have to be content with continuing on in this world.
And in that, I can fake it until I make it if need be.
And I have to believe that that doesn't  mean I miss my Goose any less.
I don't love her any less.
I haven't forgotten her war.
I haven't forgotten her many victories.
I will never forget every painstaking second of her final battle.
And I won't.
She has always and will always be my baby girl, my little Sunshine, my Goose.
And with her always in my heart, never off my mind, I am moving forward and resolving to be content with the days I have left here.
20 weeks down.
Only a lifetime to go.

I truly believe she knew I needed a lifetime a closeness with her in the few years she had.